Sleepless in Brisbane,
My love and I have different sleeping patterns from each other, and some nights even after he’s laid with me wrapped in his arms until I’ve fallen asleep, when he gets back up, you could give it about a half hour and I’m in his gaming room doorway holding in my arms a bunch of pillows (lol). With half open eyes and sluggish movements controlled by sleep, he laughs and smiles, ushering me in and helps me make a bed on the floor, goes back to our bedroom to get my favourite blanket and tucks me back in with more laughs and a whole lot of kisses to go with them.
Just so we’re clear
For a long time, when I came to the appropriate age to feel as though I could legitimately crush on someone, my first crush was a girl; her name was Maria who had the prettiest green eyes there were. Then came along the years of my adolescence, where some were creating their most greatest memories, I was struggling to hold on to my life.
Someone thought it would be a nice idea to label me as the Freshman Lesbian at one of the schools I went to, so as usual growing up in a cultured environment I was harassed, tormented and severely beaten; to and from school, and whilst at school. I felt every inch of discrimination, what made it worse is that I’m also Maori, it made people a lot more angry all because I misheard what my P.E Teacher said. I was 13.
My parents had made a big decision for our family, and we moved to Australia. I was recovering. I moved to three different schools and in the end I graduated. So I was glad to be done with that.
Through crushes, puppy love relationships and drunken regrettable moments I started to grow. I met a really nice person, she became my best friend, it was unhealthy, toxic and Chelsea was all I had; I fell in love. She knew I loved her, and throughout that entire time she loved many others with myself on the side. I met others, I went on dates and I wasn’t a nice person, I was hurt. Even so, I was still trying to learn and understand myself, I rallied, I held my back like a flagpole and I still wasn’t happy. I spent so much time searching for love without noticing, near, far and overseas; that I forgot what I was really looking for, it was quite silly of me.
My life was taking a different direction, I wasn’t standing still, I was moving and since I stopped searching for those three different personalities I thought I loved in someone else, I was better, nicer, real and whatever I had left was being purified.
Then came something that shocked even the most “supportive”. I met a young man, he was 23 at the time and I fell unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. His name is, Aaron.
A lot of people ask “How do you go from dating girls, to men?” and give me a very disappointing look that’s desperately trying to be subtle, when in reality just like someone who is confused/weirded out/doesn’t understand they shut it out and things become difficult for that person to maintain whatever it is they have with the other. They show judgement, assumptions, dissatisfaction with what they’ve been told, want to fix you, dig deeper to know because they don’t themselves and in the end discrimination that you changed. When really I never have, not really, not inside, the parts they didn’t deserve, the ones that matter about me, they’ve never changed.
Aaron, he came to me from out of the blue.
He was first there for me as help, after that was done we spoke more, he was interesting and had things to say I could either agree with or counter, the conversations would never end. He became my friend, refreshing because he was so lovely all at once as well, then things between us and our common interests brought us closer. Without me knowing at the time, he knew what made me happy and casually took me out with my camera, over bridges and across the water as a date, I had a really nice time. The night was coming to a close as 1:00AM started to creep upon us, he pulled me in to say goodbye and with his arms securely around me, caressing my waist, my hips, I didn’t want to let him go… We kissed. I panicked, I thought I ruined it all and crossed the line so I quickly hopped in a cab whilst he stood by the door and chuckled at my behaviour, because I didn’t scare him not one bit.
When I got home, I missed him and even before the kiss I missed him when I came home from work and still did.
He is everything I was searching for in a person, my best friend, my companion, my love. And I am his. Always.
It was never about understanding how I loved Aaron. It’s understanding “love”, because not everyone knows.
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